non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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