Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's just like the Real World with babies
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
