Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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