"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When did angry sex become our thing?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
