she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
