fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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