I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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