if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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