I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
