I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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