tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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