I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
