Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
