If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
