I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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