then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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