The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
