Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
