listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
