Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
