the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
