swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
