You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
