I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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