Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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