Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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