I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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