we're chasing vodka with high fives
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
