You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
