she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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