I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
