paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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