At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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