Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
