i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
