tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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