Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
