I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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