I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
