just tell him i said nine months
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So vagazzling was a success
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
