I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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