This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
