I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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