Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
