I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
