Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
