my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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