He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
