Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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