Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
