no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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