I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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