I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
