We're facebook friends in real life
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
